Tuesday, November 6, 2012
How to Get a Terrible Utah DUI Attorney
There seems to be a lot of blogs talking about how to get good Utah DUI attorneys and most of them point the finger back to the DUI attorney writing the blog. So instead of being tacky and doing that, I thought I would discuss the ways in which you can go about and hire the worst DUI attorneys out there.
If you received a DUI and you're looking for a DUI attorney, then just follow these steps and you're certain to ruin your life:
Steps to Hiring Really, Really Bad Utah DUI Attorneys
Step 1: Hire someone from a billboard:
Ah, the ole' billboard. Used by many a fast-food restaurant to make you hungry on the long drive home. Not to bash them too much, but Park City, Utah is one of the most beautiful cities in the nation and a big part of that is that they have completely banned billboards. Billboards are little more than annoying mind pollution but the billboard lobby in Utah is so powerful doing what Park City did is nearly impossible now.
But lawyers love their billboards. Check out this gem:
Step 2: Get your DUI attorney to guarantee a victory:
After you call a DUI attorney off a billboard (or bus advertisement or bus bench, anything having to do with buses really), then call and set an appointment. Then tell him or her that you demand a guarantee that they will get your case dismissed with an apology from the judge. Don't settle for even a traffic ticket with a $50 fine. Demand the apology too, just to teach the judge and the prosecutors and police that you won't be hassled if you commit a crime.
Hire only a DUI attorney that's willing to give you a guarantee. After all, they have none of the evidence at this point, haven't spoken to a single witness, haven't watched any videos, and don't know anything about your case. They must be super-humanly skilled at DUI's, predicting the future, and manipulating public officials if they can guarantee a victory.
Because if they don't follow through, you have a lot of options. For example, you can ask for your money back at which point they'll tell you no. And then you can begin a three year law suit at which time you will probably lose anyway. But you will annoy the DUI attorney for sure.
Step 3: Lie to the attorney about everything:
DUI attorneys love when you lie to them. It keeps the element of surprise when they go into the courtroom and the prosecutor and police know more about your case than they do. DUI attorneys also love looking like fools in front of judges. Again, it's about variety here so if they went in and did a good job every time with perfect knowledge about your case, they'd get bored. So keep them on their toes and lie about everything, including your name and address if possible.
Step 4: Yell at everyone:
DUI attorneys don't like everyone being polite to them. Call them frequently and yell, even if they're doing a great job. Think of it as reminding them that you're the boss. You might think that this would annoy them and they won't work as hard and just withdraw from your case, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. DUI attorneys are masochists and they would like nothing more than the occasional yelling. Holidays, evenings and weekends work best.
Step 5: Tell them it's their fault as you're hauled to jail:
Inevitably, you will be taken to jail if you follow these steps. But don't waste this opportunity to yell that it was their fault for not fighting hard enough.
Using these steps, you're sure to ruin your life over what should be just a simple case that a good DUI attorney could get dropped to a traffic offense.
In case sarcasm isn't your bag, these are clearly the worst things you can do if you have a DUI. If you want sound advice and to have your DUI taken care of quickly and quietly, find a top-notch DUI attorney on the internet and pay him what he needs to do a good job. Go too cheap, and you're better off going in by yourself and saving the attorney fees for the fines to the court.
So find the right DUI attorney online, be prepared to pay what a top notch professional in any field charges for their services, and then sit back and let them handle the headache.